31 Years

Today my brother Eric has been gone 31 years. I woke up with the first words of this poem on my brain and spent 2 inspired hours writing.

31 years (6/10/19)

31 years
of not seeing your smiling face,
hearing your booming bass voice,
feeling your crushing embrace.

31 years –
truth be told, when I heard the news, I felt relief,
thinking the fear and anxiety were over.
It was a false belief.

31 years
of trying to be helpful enough, likable enough
to be loved by someone, anyone –
no matter what kind of love.

31 years
of living peacefully alone but sad my heart was being wasted
or centering my life completely around another’s,
on the roller coaster ride between adored and deserted.

31 years
of trying to control everything around me,
thinking that would provide a life free of anxiety,
never getting quiet and still enough to hear.

My spirit was crying:
Where is the laughter? the music? the fun?
Where is the little girl happy simply to play in the sun?
What happened to knowing I am loved for who I am, not for what I do?
Where did my childhood memories go?

The time is now –
to be still, to listen within,
to show myself the love I have been seeking,
to know I am here for a reason.

Joy: that is my reason –
to not only survive this life but thrive,
to show it can be done
and not just for a season
but for the next 31(+) years.

My brother feeding me what was likely my first (of many) Fudgsicles, 1973.

I’d like to note that codependency is putting someone else’s needs above your own. It can start out of what feels like necessity (in my case, always wanting to make sure my brother was safe), but it can become a destructive lifelong habit. Thankfully, I have become aware of this in the last couple of years and am making changes. I share this not to gain sympathy (I made all my own choices) but to help inspire anyone else who may have a similar experience.

Be well and make self-care a priority.

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